Another late night...

I sit here at 2:00 AM, and sit wondering what it is keeping me up this time.

Is it the fear of my dreams of past occurrences?

Is it the migraine making my head pulse and throb?

Maybe it is just a chemical imbalance??? I have no idea, and even if I did know, I do not think it would make sleeping any easier.

All I know is I am tired of now being able to lay next to my husband and relax. I am tired of feeling so jumpy, like at any moment someone is going to hurt me.

My councilor has old me it is Post Traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD) from all of my past abuse. I think the biggest cause is the molestations I suffered more then anything that is a possible cause. For some reason, these memories hurt me more than anything, and make relaxing and letting go very difficult.

Letting go of the thought that the attacks were my fault took years. But still, I fear of falling into the same old patterns of abuse. Not that I fear my husband. Far from it! I just wonder if there is something about me that brings out the worst in people.

I wonder if this is something other victims worry about...